Monday, January 16, 2017

Going all old school. Cuz I'm a old fool. Who's so cool.

This year, I’m committing to BE MORE HIPSTER, which means to me that I’m going to learn to appreciate things that were super popular some years back, but have subsequently fallen out of vogue.

Por ejemplo, I have just recently learned to Whip Nae Nae. You should watch me, watch me. I also tried that Harlem Shake thing, but the children thought I had a medical condition that would cause them to have to disown me. So I suppose that might have to be a 2018 thing.

Not only have I resolved to increase my hipsterocity, I have also resolved to decrease my body size. Because it is January, and I am a woman, and that is what we do.  But because of the hipster thing, the answer to weight loss was pretty obvious: the 2017 diet is for to being ATKINS.  Because necessary.

I remember first learning about this diet, and like the rest of the known world I thought 1, how can eating that much protein and fat be okay, and 2, I cannot and willnot and shantnot live without bread, thank you very much.

But this year is the year of Liking Previously Popular Things (have you heard of that Joni Mitchell lady? She really sings all the feels) and so ATKINS IT IS!

So real quick here, have any of you actually like, looked into Atkins? Basically the rules are like, No Fruit, but then eat all the salami and mayonnaise you want. Plus cheese.  It’s like the diet was created by some portly fella who looked in the mirror and thought, “Well… it’s nothing bacon can’t solve.”

Which makes it kind of an obvious diet, really. No wonder millions of people have tried. I’m pretty sure I could get the entire known universe involved if I wrote the one diet in the history of mankind that allowed you to eat bacon wrapped in bacon with bacon sauce for 3 meals a day. Allows you? Nay. ENCOURAGES you.

So yes. I’m on the bacon diet.

It is going swimmingly.

Well, it is going bacon-ly.

I have eaten more bacon in the past 2 weeks than I ate in the entirety of 2016. And here’s the real shock. I’m 15 days in, and it seems I’ve actually lost some weight. With bacon. Somewhere around 3-6 pounds since day one, depending on the moment, but overall, down is down. And the measurements are inching their way to better as well.

And if losing weight can mean eating delicious eggs and sausage for breakfast, and roast and vegetables for dinner, and slices of salami whenever I am in deep need of snacks, then, as it turns out, I will be capable of losing weight.

I am also, of course, trying to exercise occasionally. Albeit, not EVERY day, because let’s not go crazy here. Baby steps to losing 30 pounds. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and I always thought marathons sounded much more achievable if they were walked. With breaks. And like, naps.

Also? Let’s be honest. I greatly dislike exercise. Greatly. My preferred hobbies look more like: 

Ha! A Book! Who still does that?!?
Hipsters. That's who.

















Or:
This was popular back in 1980 something.

And not so much with the physical exercise, "ooh, check out my sexy abs and my ludicrously attractive behind in my yoga pants". Cuz psh. All sounds pretty lame, if you ask me.

Feeling sexy cuz of all the sweet club dancing.
Shake that thang.
So now, since I am the hating of exercise, I found an exercise which claims to be “The end of exercise”. Which is great, except that it’s just called Cize, which is basically, just the end part of the word exercise, and I feel like I’ve been tricked somehow. But anyway, it is just a bunch of outlandish dance moves that cause my children to laugh at me and whisper from across the room.  But, I am moving. And probably, getting pretty sexy all at the same time.

So happy mid January, Most-People-Give-Up-Their-Resolutions-But-Mine-Has-Bacon-So-I’m-Good Week! I’ll keep you updated on the diet. If this doesn’t work, I’m afraid it’s back to grapefruits and cottage cheese, the original OG diet solution.





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