Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Meet my children. They love the devil.

This year, I joined a number of homeschooler support groups. Because the first step is admitting you have a problem.  And although the coffee is bad, sometimes they have some good things to offer. Like yesterday, when I learned through a comment thread that I’m not even CLOSE to being the only homeschooling parent with a real-life, paying, jay-oh-bee. Which is awesome to know.  I liked it. Work on, workin mamas. Pay bills. Teach kids. Rock the house. How does she do it.

And then of course, there’s days when I’m convinced that every homeschooler in the world is some kind of a terrified-of-everything-in-the-universe lunatic.   Take today, for example, when someone asked what everyone thought about referring to one’s children as “kids”.

Truth? I hadn’t. I hadn’t thought about calling my “children” kids. I called my kids, then I went and did something else. I hadn’t thought about it at all. I mean, I think about keeping them safe. I think about teaching them to be good. To be independent. To be hard workers. To care for others. I think about the quality of the education I give them. I think about whether or not I spend enough time with them. If we have enough activities in our lives. If we indulge them too much. I think about what bringing an adoptive child into our home did to our biological children. I think about whether or not we are a good enough home for said adoptive child. I wonder if I’m too angry. If I’m too strict. If I don’t push them enough. If we love them hard enough. Or love them well enough. Or love them enough enough.

So, I think, sure. But no, I don’t spend a whole lot of time thinking about what it means if I use a word for my children that can technically also be used to describe a small adorable farm creature. And therein lies my problem. Apparently.

According to The Internet, this is a problem because, of course, ‘kid’ traditionally means child-goat. Even worse, in the Bible, God separates the goats from the sheep, and as any child of Christendom or fan of Cake remembers, “Sheep go to heaven, Goats go to hell.”  Along with this, it would seem that the Goat is also the “Pagan Devil God”. Ipso facto,  “Hello, meet my beloved kids” translates to “Hi, meet my beloved Spawn of Satan, who I bathe in the blood of the innocent. All hail Lucifer”. I mean, it’s science.
Now, you’re freaking out. Sure. But I should stop and say that, even on this Weirdo-Raising, Crazy-Butt-Crazy homeschooler website, most people’s brains exploded about this. Like, WHY IS THIS SOMETHING THAT’S EVEN A THING???? Of course, a few people retorted that “guys, words have meanings, and goats are evil horned devil beasts that God sent straight to hell-fire, and you shouldn’t preach that truth over your children”.* But most were more… amused.  Honestly, I was worried my little Weirdo-Raisers Support Group had become too crazy to parody. I’m glad we found something to agree on here. And that thing is  SERIOUSLY? COME. ON.

I’ll be honest. Please don’t excommunicate me. I really wanted to say something thought-provoking here. I wanted to turn this into something meaningful. But in the end, what I have is this:

CALM. THE CRAP. DOWN. YOU CRAZY BUNCH OF WACK-TARDS.

Alright. All kidding aside.** Yes, grammar is fun, and words have meanings, and it’s great to analyze and wonder and consider. That is truthiness. But to suggest that the use of a common slang term to refer to the tiny humans, can bestow demonic characterstics over them, well… It’s nuts, right?  RIGHT?

Of course… the kids have been acting up a lot lately…

*::SIGH::  You ever curious why Homeschool KIDS get such a bad reputation? Cuz Mama Goats Be Cray-Cray.

**Guys. That joke killed me.  It fully SLAYED me. And I gave it to you for free. Your are so frickin welcome right now.

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