Wednesday, March 8, 2017

My Kids: The World's Onliests Sinners.

So I'm on some Facebook groups these days, stuff about homeschooling and adoption and things that pertain to me as an individual, because I've heard it's important to speak exclusively with others who have similar lives and interests to my own. So yeah. Groups.

Sometimes these groups are helpful. Sometimes these groups are like, BANANAS levels of insane. Por ejemplo, I read a really in depth discussion about whether any self-respecting mother would ever, EVER feed their child ramen noodles. Obviously, the answer is no I'd rather die a slow and painful death but maybe that's just because I love my kids, you crazy bunch of heathens. You get the idea.

But it's cool, because helpful or insane, I deem it all fabulous.

A few days back, another mother, someone in distress, shared the behaviors she was experiencing from her 4 year old son. Disrespect. Anger. Meltdowns. Does anyone else's kid go through this? Has anyone else survived?

And I'm sitting here like, Oh girl. Have I got some stories for you. Pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee. We're going to be a while.

Because for starters, my eldest child slapped me in the face before she was 2. I know, right? She was mad at me for whatevertheheck, and I bent down while helping her get dressed. She slapped me. So I slapped her back, because MOM OF THE YEAR. She slapped me again. I slapped her again. She raised her hand to slap me a third time, and then growled in frustration as she thrust her arm back down to her side. Because I win this round, Turd Face. Because I am the bomb and you still poop in your own pants. 

Also? She told me she hated me. Like several thousand times, basically. She stomped off to her room for time out, or when she was asked to pick up a toy, screaming I HATE YOU MOMMY!!! with every breath she took.

Good times.

Oh but I am not done. My second oldest went into timeout screaming OWIE!! STOP!!! HEEEEELLLLP! When I had never once touched her, because I guess she thought it would be fun to watch Mommy get arrested. So that's cooooooool.

So I tell this discouraged woman a couple of my horrifying stories. I encourage her to stay calm. To stay consistent. To fight the good fight because good news, it pays off. It seriously gets better. And some day, some glorious day, you may even like your children. As it turns out, I'm even learning to love mine.

Nicer than they were. Still gross and weird.
But then some other people commented. And I learned some things. Because as it turns out, my kids are the onliest sinners in the whole world.

So here for your enlightenment, are the reasons other people's kids are sometimes naughty:
- They watched the demon television and it made them evil.
- They went to their grandmother's house, and SHE made them evil.
- They have a medical disorder and now they're evil.
- They have been exposed to sugar, which is already evil.
- They have been exposed to wheat, which is probably more evil.
- They have been exposed to Red Dye 40, which is the exact synthetic color of the devil.
- They haven't eaten so their tummies are evil.
- They require medication which will magically stop them from being evil.
- Society failed them and so obviously, now they are evil.

And I'm sitting here like... wait. What happened to behaviorism? To the Christian belief in a sin nature? To ALL OF PARENTING SINCE THE HISTORY OF EVER??


Imperfect Angels.
Guys, I don't know if you know this, but apparently, kids aren't even bad any more. Kids are perfect little gifts from heaven. It's you. You're the problem. You gave them the sugar and let them watch the TV and exposed them to the villainous grandmothers. You, it seems, are the only reason why your kids do anything bad ever.

Seriously, Internet?

I mean, I love my kids. With a fierce and crazy love. I love them. But also? They're frequently buttheads. They can be selfish. They're liars. They're sneaky. They're mean. Not always, thank the good Lord above, but their instincts aren't healthy. Their instincts are crazy. And like, murderous. It's honestly terrifying. 

And I kinda feel like I shouldn't have to take credit for all of that. When 3 come crazy straight out of the chute, and one comes already pre-crazied from someone else's house, I mean, COME ON. It can't all be our lack of a 3 hour bedtime routine. It can't all be television. Or grandma's house. It just can't all be Red Dye 40, can it? Because truth, I've always been more of a Yellow 5 fan, myself. And that is the food coloring of angels, I'm pretty sure.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...