Thursday, April 27, 2017

Happy birthday. Now go to sleep and...

My 3rd eldest child turned 5 today. Today was my anniversary of giving birth for the second time. That time 5 years ago when I had the horrible messed up epidural that hurt so bad I vomited. And then still needed to get local anesthetic before I was stitched because even the "fix it" epidural after the "stabbed you in the spinal cord and it's going to hurt like the dickens for the next 11 months" epidural still didn't do that fun numbing thing that epidurals are supposed to do. Oh and I know, I know. You wanna tell me how you gave birth naturally like God intended. And it was beautiful and helped you bond more with your unvaccinated holy child. But personally, I barely get a haircut without a hit of Vicodin, so if it's cool with you, I'm gonna do things my own way. Even if it means I sometimes get stabbed in the spinal cord.

Boy Child. With Star Wars.
We did school today (May the 4th. Don't give up on your goals.) But we ripped it off like a bandaid and moved on with our lives. Then, we Star Warsed. Because it is what my 5 year old loves. I mean really. 
He loves it so hard that it seems the Force had Awakened him at 2:30am this morning to see if the Empire had Struck Back in his home. He also woke up his sisters, because somehow they always knew. But No, their Father showed up at shortly before 3 to tell them to get their butts back in bed. They would NOT be going to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. But at 6am, Birthday Child woke up again. With a New Hope. And we gave up and made coffee. Which helped the Jedi Return.*

So yeah, we Star Warsed the heck out of today. We played with Star Wars toys. We played Star Wars video games. We turned cardboard boxes into Star Wars themed space ships. We watched the Star Wars Movie with the Snow and the Big Walker things because Birthday Child can't remember the name of his favorite movie. And I exercised, so that I don't turn back into Jabba the Hutt.**

So, Star Wars existed before I existed. And it was a dork thing. Personally, I know a little about dork things. Because, as it turns out, I lived the "having of zero friends" life.  And my loner loser self learned a few things for you. 

When I was a kid, re: when I was a chubby unpopular nerd person, reading was not, in fact, considered cool. Hot chicks in leggings and oversized glasses and messy buns didn't sit around all day with their books. They didn't talk about being AWKWARD and how they'd rather stay in and read than go out on dates. They went out. They got invited to parties. They had friends. And frequently, they made fun of me, for being such a face-attached-to-books dork.***

In my experience, being a book enthusiast was a little less like this:

And a little more like this:

On one hand, this new nerd-fetishism makes me aggravated. Because cultural appropriation. Because stolen valor. Because you didn't live my humiliating child, Hot Girl. Stay in your lane. With your bubbly laughter and your gaggle of friends and your boob shirts. You can have most things in life. Sure. Knock yourself out. But you can't have books. Dang it man. Leave me the friggin books.

But on the other side of it, I have kids now. And my kids are dorks, probably. Because of homeschooling. And because of their parents. And because, for some reason, at some point, Star Wars became really fracking important to their lives. But it's cool. Because it seems the world has changed. And everyone wants to be a "total nerd, tee hee hee". Which pretty much means, congratulations, kids. You're going to be the New Awesome. And you come by it naturally.

So when my son falls because he was running and then he tripped over nothing, he can have 17 bandaids. Because these days, he's not a clumsy dork. He's a health-conscious nerd-person. Tee hee hee.

And I'm going to keep up my end, too. I'll push the books. And the science fiction. And the way too many bandaids. Because not only are dorks the coolest? They're also like, better and more interesting people. Pretty much. So yeah. You're welcome, Offsprings. Cuz you got yourself, like, the dorkiest mom in town.

Word.

Alright. That's enough for tonight. The Dorks finally went to sleep, so it's probably time for me to go finish off the cake. Because all the geeky stuff aside, like I said, this is my anniversary. And I frackin deserve it.


Nighty night, Weirdos! The Force be with you.****

*Test my Star Wars dorkiness sometime. It's a little bit astounding.
**LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. ::High five, Self::
***I'm talking now about Junior High and below. So if you are reading this and you knew me from high school or college, obviously I didn't get made fun of for reading then. That was a different time. I got made fun of for different things.
****And also with you. Church Joke. You're welcome.

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