Tuesday, August 8, 2017

When SUPRISE! You find out you're a total hottie.

This is the story of how an after work trip to the grocery store last night ended up being a Bizarre Ego Boost. And then how coming home changed all that.

Now for perspective, one of my last Bizarre Ego Boost was about 4 years ago, when, while working on a high school campus, I got regularly yelled at by faculty. Because they couldn't tell I was a professional adult human. Because they thought I was a high school student, being a place or doing a thing (like trying to walk to my car) where a student should not be or that a student should not do. Side note: High school students get very yelled at if they ever choose to be a place they should not be or do a thing they should not do. It's kind of a problem. Maybe we should stop being so mean to high school students.

Anyway, back to last night. While I was minding my own business, listening to podcasts and filling my shopping cart with various healthy low-carb meals and various, unhealthy high-carb snacks*, I walked near a grocery store employee. Now I've seen him around before, due to I am the Grocery Shopper of the family, and I don't really vary my stores or times of visit. I know the employees who work the Sunday afternoon and Monday late night shifts. And he is one of them. But instead of our normal "Finding everything okay" "Sure you betcha" interaction, he decided to, I guess.... kind of flirt with me? 

Yeah. I think he was flirting with me. But not in that "hey baby, you tired? cuz you been running through my mind ALL day!" creepy way like in the movies.  More like, by letting me know that if I needed anything, anything, all I had to do was ask. Feel free to ask him. If I needed anything. Just ask. Ask him. If I needed anything. Just ask. He would help. Ya know, if I needed anything. All I had to do was ask. Then he started to walk away, and then walked back and introduced himself, and shook my hand and again, assured me that, if I needed anything... I should just ask him.

Then later as I was headed to the checkout, he approached me again. He apologized for his behavior. Said he was just trying to be nice. That he isn't weird. Just trying to be helpful. And if I ever needed anything... you got it.

I'm not sure how this kid, who is more likely than not about 10 years my junior, missed noticing my wedding ring, my crows feet, or the fact that, once a week, I buy enough groceries to feed a small army. But just the same, this pushing-middle-age mother of four was just a little bit flattered. Because the last time someone got so flustered in my presence was... well, it was probably just one of my children when trying to lie about having cleaned their room. And their horrible attempts at lying are really more insulting than anything else.

So I got home and told the story to my husband while we unloaded the groceries. Thought I'd make him jealous. Thought I'd remind him what a hot commodity his little wifey actually is. And his response? He felt bad for the little creeper trying to move in on his territory. "Well that just makes me sad!" He says. "He finally gets the courage up to approach you, and then he KNOWS it goes bad. Poor guy. That's just terrible."

Wait. I'm sorry. Pretty sure my very own actual husband isn't supposed to make ME feel like the villain here. I mean, I was nice. I smiled, I thanked him. In fact, I smiled and thanked him and assured him I would definitely come looking for him if there was anything at all that I needed, and I did that every single time he offered to help me. Which at some point, was definitely awkward to do because he offered it so very many times. Geez, Husband. Next time I'll just flirt back. Make sure it goes better for the kid and he doesn't feel so awkward. WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?? 

ALSO super hot.
Husband then turns to me with something in his hand. "So," he says, "I'm guessing he didn't see this in your cart before he tried to make his move?" He tossed me brand now Dental Guard. 

Thanks a lot, Dear

Psh. Who does he think he is, and why is he
trying to get all these hot new skills??
I mean HE ALREADY GOT ME.
It seems someone's feeling a little cocky these days, seeing as he has been learning to play the guitar, which admittedly is pretty hot, and I, as it turns out, need to wear a protective mouthguard while I sleep. Which I argue is probably just as hot, just not in such a painfully obvious way. 

Shecshy Mama gonna haunt your dreams.
Because seriously? The guitar thing is like, played. "Oooh, attractive guy plays the guitar and suddenly everyone swoons." But what you haven't seen is THIS



Harried 30-something mother of 4 who has recently developed TMJ gets flirted with by rando attractive stock boy, realizes she has become "Cougar", starts growling and making claw hands at strangers. 

Now that's a story.





*For the kids. Don't judge me.

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