Last night after work I hit the grocery store and picked up a big fat chunk of pork shoulder to throw in the crock pot for pulled-pork sandwiches tonight. Which was great. $11 bucks. 9 pounds of meat. Which means easy dinner and lots of left overs. Family of 6 WIN.
But then I open the pork this morning and realize that, as far as I’m concerned, it has a little too much nature attached. Because here is Babe’s actual skin. Because little Wilbur here is practically still squealing.
I’m gonna be clear here. I am a carnivore. Or, technically I’m an omnivore but that sounds so much like I EAT ALL THE THINGS, FLEE BEFORE MY INSATIABLE APPETITE and lends itself to the kind of fat jokes I’m not in the mood for right now so I’m gonna stick with Carnivore because it sounds cooler. Sleek. I’m a tiger. Growl.
Point is, I don’t have a problem eating meat. Plus, I lived on a hog farm as a child. Plus, I currently live in Dairyland, USA, and in Dairyland, USA we drink milk and eat beef and swat flies and eat more beef. I’m not at all creeped out by eating animals. Hashtag sorry animals.
You can even see it in my parenting. We have discussions about the animals we’re eating while we’re eating them. We think people who say you can “adopt” a pet are insane. (You adopt a human child, you acquire a pet. I will fight you on this. And I will win. Your puppy is not your baby. Granted, your puppy might be cuter than your baby, but that does not make the puppy your baby.) And last year when we thought the cat might be on her way through those pearly gates, my kids actually laughed at the thought that she might go to heaven when she died. I believe, “Um, NO. She’s a CAT.” Was their exact response.
So I’m not super precious about animals and I’m not against cooking or eating them. Sorry if that hurts your Porky-loving feelings. But all that to say, I’m still having a moment this morning, staring at the skin of this pork shoulder and considering how to word the Google search “Should I skin my pig before or after cooking him?” Which is basically an exact search I’ve made before, only substitute FISH for PIG. So that’s what I’m seeing here. A 9 pound, skin on, Fillet of Pig. It is not my favorite thing.
Alright, whatever. I stuck the whole beast in the crockpot, put it on low, and crossed my fingers. Then the internet said to get a sharp knife and do this kind of cross-hatch cutting pattern thing so… I tried that too.
NOTE: I’ve watched a lot of Mythbusters. And in Mythbusters, you always learn that pig flesh is the closest thing we can get to human flesh, so for all these fun shooting slash cutting slash punching slash exploding activities they ever did, they would use a pig. But I gotta say, I’m kind of an expert at cutting my own human flesh* which is how I can know that, were I to take my own moderately sharp knife to my own arm, I would have been able to create a neat cross-hatch pattern with very little effort. Penelope here was an ENTIRELY different story. The force I had to use to barely scrape through her skin would probably have sawed through my actual bones. So, something’s wrong here. That’s all I’m saying.
Happy Tuesday. Oink oink.
*In case that was creepy: NOT an emotional problem. Just a klutzy problem. I assure you.